I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
