I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
