I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize