are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
