Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
