Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
