get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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