she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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