Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
