there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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