I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
