If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She bit a glass in half.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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