I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
