Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
