he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
