dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize