She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just cut my nipple shaving
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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