I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
