Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You need a sexual gate keeper
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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