i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
