I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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