was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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