Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I have post one night stand depression
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
