Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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