Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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