cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
