I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
