What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
