He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
