I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
