Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
