I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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