shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
