just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
