saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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