I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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