one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
