You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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