I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
