Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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