I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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