She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
