Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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