i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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