i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize