yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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