I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
