the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
