I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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