Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
