When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
