if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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