I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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