3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize