i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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