Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
