Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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