I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
