I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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