dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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