Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
