My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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